-to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of.

It seems as if my life keeps on being more and more of a “disappointment” everyday. In certain ways that you wouldn’t think me out of all people would endure.

When it comes to time management, I have basically become the worst possible role model for it. I seem to be better at figure out how others should improve their lives and I can’t even do it for my own. I know what I where I want to go and what I will need to do to get there. But I can never seem to get it right. I have tried for years and years. I got the hang of it once in 10th grade, but soon after lost that self motivation that I had. Is it that I am spending too much time doing the wrongs things. Like sitting at my computer and looking up nonsense or staying countless after hours at school to better my Broadcast Journalism class. Its gotten to the point that now, the year of high school in which I should be having fun and getting ready for life, I am getting privileges taken away. Some that are academic and others not. I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know how to get out. Why have I chosen this route so many times, why am I doing this to myself?

I always have the right mind set, though I am always tired. Would fixing my sleeping patterns help me achieve success? Though as much as I have tired to fix them. A week later they are back to normal. Due to something like too much homework one night, if I even did it or not. Homework is what I should be doing right now but I had to stop and write this. I need to get it out of my system. Its like I need closure for my lack of determination.

I don’t understand why I seek life after High School. Will I just magically start going things right with school? And this time it would be college? I see it as my gateway to life. I am legally an adult now but I don’t fee like one. I have not matured into an adult who can handle whatever comes at it. I have so many worries that it floods my mind at times to where I can’t focus on anything. Most other times I just can’t focus on anything in general. Its as if I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Which according to Ask.com is 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — also referred to ADD or ADHD — is a biological, brain based condition that is characterized by poor attention and distractibility and/or hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. It is one of the most common mental disorders that develop in children. Symptoms can continue into adolescence and adulthood. If left untreated, ADHD can lead to poor school/work performance, poor social relationships and a general feeling of low self esteem.

I know that I have great skills in certain aspects of “education” and other things that will aid me in life. But fact of the matter is, I don’t usually apply those skills school. I am an amazing creative writer. Now that I think of it, I am a good writer all together. If my mind is in the right place, I can write a mean paper, not always perfect. But I have my sister who helps me along the way with that part. I am pretty good at math, you give me a math problem and as long as I have learned how to do it, I could probably get it right. If I put the effort into it, like I did one summer and got a 98% in my Geometry class, I could do anything it seems like. If only I actually did my work. Other then those two “main” skills that I have learned in my years of being educated. I do know alot about computers.

Wow, its pretty sad that I just lost my “train of though” and interest into writing this blog entry. I hope writing blogs will a re-occurring thing since I usually write them to take things off my mind but never publish them.