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My last spring break as a High School student is just about to wrap up. I thought that this week would be a great week for me to catch up on life and my BYU Independent Studies coursework. But with school starting back up on Monday. I am even more behind it feels like. I have just finished the actually bowling portion of my bowling class and I have a lot ahead of me with both classes I am taking. A lot is going on, and now even more. I know I can do it. I am more excited then ever to head off to college in the upcoming fall. Though, I am not going to school out of state (or city) and I am still going to be living at home. I see it as a huge step in my independence as a person and into “adult-hood”. Many say that right after High School, you step into the real world. Well, I would say that you do, but only slightly. Your parents are still very much in control of you life at this point. I guess not as much but still.

A lot has been going on the past week or so. Other than just be getting some “R&R”, I got a new job that I will start training, for three weeks, on Tuesday. Since the store is going to be new, the training will be a different location across town. And with me not being able to drive anymore because of a little, big, thing that was out of my control. Its going to be difficult to get up there for the time being. I will figure it out I hope. So anyways I have a new job! Which is so totally awesome. I have a feeling that I am going to really like the place, thats for sure. I am really excite.

I have so much more to write but I am getting really tired. I will hopefully post more tomorrow.

My desk

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Within the past few weeks, I have grown a lot as a person. Am I an adult yet? No, I am not even close though by law I am legally an Adult. I don’t see myself as being an adult yet. I wonder how life works after High School. Will I just start acting the way I should and make the right decisions?

Today while taking a shower, I came to the conclusion that College is the building block of most successful lives. I guess you could say building years for most successful lives though. But no matter what, it takes hard work to become successful. Though sometimes I can’t tell hard work and not trying hard apart.

For instance, I feel as if I try hard in some areas in my life but I am really not. But in others I am not trying hard enough and I feel as if I am. I am just starting to figure things out in life that I wish I would have figured out sooner. Yeah, it was just High School that I messed up but it is what matters to me right now. I know that I could fix most if not all that I have done in the future with hard work at something called determination that I clearly don’t have. Even though that thought is stuck in the back of my head. I feel as if I am stuck here living in my mistakes and I have no way out for the time being.

I try to just let my mistakes pass so I could do what I need to do now, but it seems that they are holding me back, retarding my ability to reach my full potential. I have a feeling that I have not even reached anywhere near that though.

I have always been the type of person to worry about my future more then what is going in present time. Thus making it hard for me to focus about what I need to do to get to where I want to go. I guess ever since seeing my brother make even bigger mistakes then I have made so far in my high school career. They kept on saying don’t be like your bother. Knowing what position in life that he is in right now, I found myself always thinking about what I want to do in life and what I want to be and where. But not HOW I am going to get there.

I know that in three short months, I will be hopefully graduating from High School. My second step to adulthood. From there I guess I am go start working full time then start attending college in the Fall. I get asked all the time if I could cut it in college because I am barely able to in just High School. What am I supposed to say to that? No, I cannot cut it in College, I just want to go there so I can waste my money just for some college counselor to tell me to go get a job working at McDonalds. 

I hate the negativity that I get from my family so much sometimes. Even though I do get a lot of encouragement now, I equally receive the negative from them. I know they are not trying to hurt me or be mean. They just want what’s best for me and trust me, I do too!

I have a few colleges in mind that I would like to goto. From the beginning I told myself I wanted to goto University of Nevada, Las Vegas [UNLV]. Then I started to venture off to other schools like, University of Nevada, Reno, Northwestern in Illinois, Chapman or USC in California, and Neumont University in Utah. Then reality hit me and I realized that I would never even get accepted to any of these schools. So, I am already enrolled in a Junior College here in town called College of Southern Nevada [CSN], formally known as CCSN [Community College of Southern Nevada].

But then last Friday, I took a private Campus tour of UNLV with my Ladyfriend, Her Mom, and our Friend. I fell in love with the campus and didn’t want to leave. I knew that this is what I wanted right after High School. I know I could fight my way and probably get into UNLV. But with these hard economic time. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just goto CSN and get my Core Classes over with then Transfer to a different college like UNLV? I know that if I goto CSN, I could start taking more than just my core classes during my first two years of College. But is it what I really want?

I want the whole College Campus life. I mean I guess CSN has that too. I guess I just need to go visit the campus and see what they have to offer. I just like feeling you get when you are at UNLV.   Well, I would love to further this entry but I have to finish my homework. I have a long few months ahead of me. :]

 

I sometimes wonder if I had this Logizomechanophobia. My life would be NOTHING like it is today. I wouldn’t even be writing this blog entry.

Logizomechanophobia is (according to phobia-fear-release.com): 

 

Symptoms of Logizomechanophobia – Fear of computers:
breathlessness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.

You are not the only one to suffer from this phobia. Most sufferers are surprised to learn that they are far from alone in this surprisingly common, although often unspoken, phobia.

Logizomechanophobia is an intense fear of something that poses no actual danger. While adults with Logizomechanophobia realize that these fears are irrational, they often find that facing, or even thinking about facing, the feared situation brings on a panic attack or severe anxiety.

 

I am not going to joke about this phobia because to some it’s actually serious. But on the other hand, for me. It’s a funny thought to ponder about.

 

computer-monster

Tonight, my mom came in my room asking me how much money I needed for school tomorrow.

Mom: How much money do you need for school tomorrow?
Me: Five bucks should be fine.
Mom: What about the last payment for your choir trip?
Me: Why should the one not going be the only one to ever get their trip money in on time?
Mom: True. But do you still have hope?
Me: What hope? I sent my teacher a 1+ page e-mail explaining to her what was going on and all she replied back was 4 words, “Sorry, I will not reconsider.”
Mom: Thats okay, this is obviously a sign from God showing that something might have happened to you if you went on the trip.

 

I don’t even know what to do. I have no hope, whatsoever, with anything anymore. The choir competition trip had to be my breaking point. It makes me wonder why I am even still in regular school. I could just be in Adult Education and get school done with a few months earlier and then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit anymore. I love how it had to be one of my other teachers, on the phone with me, to make me change my mind about leaving my current high school. I just don’t want to have to be sitting in choir, every single day for the next few months, knowing that everything I am doing right now, I won’t be able to preform. Its pretty depressing. I have done so much for my choir teacher over the years. She even ruined on of my birthdays. I know I have put myself in this situation. But I wish that my grades weren’t the only factor. 

Hopeless

I miss being “Free”. I miss the feeling of being able to go where I please and do what I want to do. Nothing crazy though. I miss the summer. I miss working, making money. Driving around town, having fun. I seem to not have much fun anymore. It seems as if all I do is goto school and come home. I do have good times on the weekend. But I miss that feeling. Looking back at my old Twitpics from the summer and the beginning of the school year. I felt so free back then. Now I can’t even come home to have the house to myself for more then 20 minutes. My room just doesn’t give me that feeling anymore. I am a freakin adult now. I want to go out into the world. I feel as if I have gone back in time, but sadly not the way I want to. I messed up a lot the past few years and I want to go back and fix all of that.

 

Driving to work

 

-to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of.


It seems as if my life keeps on being more and more of a “disappointment” everyday. In certain ways that you wouldn’t think me out of all people would endure.

When it comes to time management, I have basically become the worst possible role model for it. I seem to be better at figure out how others should improve their lives and I can’t even do it for my own. I know what I where I want to go and what I will need to do to get there. But I can never seem to get it right. I have tried for years and years. I got the hang of it once in 10th grade, but soon after lost that self motivation that I had. Is it that I am spending too much time doing the wrongs things. Like sitting at my computer and looking up nonsense or staying countless after hours at school to better my Broadcast Journalism class. Its gotten to the point that now, the year of high school in which I should be having fun and getting ready for life, I am getting privileges taken away. Some that are academic and others not. I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know how to get out. Why have I chosen this route so many times, why am I doing this to myself?

I always have the right mind set, though I am always tired. Would fixing my sleeping patterns help me achieve success? Though as much as I have tired to fix them. A week later they are back to normal. Due to something like too much homework one night, if I even did it or not. Homework is what I should be doing right now but I had to stop and write this. I need to get it out of my system. Its like I need closure for my lack of determination.

I don’t understand why I seek life after High School. Will I just magically start going things right with school? And this time it would be college? I see it as my gateway to life. I am legally an adult now but I don’t fee like one. I have not matured into an adult who can handle whatever comes at it. I have so many worries that it floods my mind at times to where I can’t focus on anything. Most other times I just can’t focus on anything in general. Its as if I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Which according to Ask.com is 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — also referred to ADD or ADHD — is a biological, brain based condition that is characterized by poor attention and distractibility and/or hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. It is one of the most common mental disorders that develop in children. Symptoms can continue into adolescence and adulthood. If left untreated, ADHD can lead to poor school/work performance, poor social relationships and a general feeling of low self esteem.

I know that I have great skills in certain aspects of “education” and other things that will aid me in life. But fact of the matter is, I don’t usually apply those skills school. I am an amazing creative writer. Now that I think of it, I am a good writer all together. If my mind is in the right place, I can write a mean paper, not always perfect. But I have my sister who helps me along the way with that part. I am pretty good at math, you give me a math problem and as long as I have learned how to do it, I could probably get it right. If I put the effort into it, like I did one summer and got a 98% in my Geometry class, I could do anything it seems like. If only I actually did my work. Other then those two “main” skills that I have learned in my years of being educated. I do know alot about computers.

Wow, its pretty sad that I just lost my “train of though” and interest into writing this blog entry. I hope writing blogs will a re-occurring thing since I usually write them to take things off my mind but never publish them.

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