One would say that they can’t live without his or her friends. But that perosn really love themself?

You have to be able to love yourself to be able to really love others. So does this mean that an individual who doesn’t love themself doesn’t really love others?

I ponder this all the time. But another thing that I think about alot is the fact of really knowing what loving youself really means?

Does it mean that you have to be really cocky? Does loving yourself mean loving your hairsyle or your body’s appearance?

Yeah, the name of this entry is lyrics from a P!nk song.

Growing is a part of life, but it seems as if I just started to grow, really fast. I don’t know how or why. I am not talking about my body, I mean mentally. I wish I could physically grow! I think being 5 feet and 9 inches is too short, I want to be taller.

I am just about ready to finally graduate from High School. Though, I might do so just a few days late due to my BYU Independent Studies classes that I am taking. My final scores might not get to my school on time, but I don’t really think that would happen. But nevertheless, I am still going to college and going to be someone in life. What exactly I want to be, I am not sure yet because there is so much that I want to do. Thank God that they all tie into each other in some way or another. I just hate the fact that I have to wait to do the things I love.  I just want to get on with my life, but this is my first step.

So, like I said in my last entry, I have a new job of which I love. But since its a new store and there is not too much business coming in. I have absolutely no hours anymore. Its almost a waste, but I do love the place. So, I have been looking for a second summer job. I currently have two job interviews lined up for myself, both at different Station Casino properties. I really am more forward to the interviews everyday now. Though, unfortunately, they are both on the same day. One at 1:45pm and the other at 3pm, I hope I can get to both because I prefer the second job but the first one sounds good too. I have stopping putting much energy into finding a second job but if any of these two don’t work out, then I will continue my search. With a +100 dollar phone bill and the desperate need for a car. I am really in a pickle. I really need a car, with Air Conditioning this time god damn it! I am not making enough money by any means at my current job right now. My paychecks are gone before I can even see them. ARG! At least I got my phone turned back on! Thanks Zub!

Also, my Senior Prom was rather amazing. I went to Dinner at Veloce Cibo at the M Resort. AMAZING view and great good. Then we went to the dance to take pictures then we were promptly off to the Wynn to see Le Reve which was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed. Our transportation was a Escalade! :] Then we went to the Eiffel Tower at the Paris and watched the Bellagio fountains from up there, once again we got an amazing view of the valley and strip.

So the reason I used P!nk lyrics as the subject of this entry is because I am seriously in love with her music right now. She has always been one of the best artists of our time, for realz. I am glad to see that she back with Karry though, they make a great couple. 

I feel like making something creative right now. Its rare that I am in a creative mood and I am photoshop-less for the time being. I tried downloading GIMP but it wouldn’t mount. Stupid GIMP! lol I am in love with iJustine’s logo on her twitter background. Its amazingly awesome!!!

So, to end this blog of which I thought would be longer, though I can’t get my words out right now….well I don’t know how to conclude this! XD

My last spring break as a High School student is just about to wrap up. I thought that this week would be a great week for me to catch up on life and my BYU Independent Studies coursework. But with school starting back up on Monday. I am even more behind it feels like. I have just finished the actually bowling portion of my bowling class and I have a lot ahead of me with both classes I am taking. A lot is going on, and now even more. I know I can do it. I am more excited then ever to head off to college in the upcoming fall. Though, I am not going to school out of state (or city) and I am still going to be living at home. I see it as a huge step in my independence as a person and into “adult-hood”. Many say that right after High School, you step into the real world. Well, I would say that you do, but only slightly. Your parents are still very much in control of you life at this point. I guess not as much but still.

A lot has been going on the past week or so. Other than just be getting some “R&R”, I got a new job that I will start training, for three weeks, on Tuesday. Since the store is going to be new, the training will be a different location across town. And with me not being able to drive anymore because of a little, big, thing that was out of my control. Its going to be difficult to get up there for the time being. I will figure it out I hope. So anyways I have a new job! Which is so totally awesome. I have a feeling that I am going to really like the place, thats for sure. I am really excite.

I have so much more to write but I am getting really tired. I will hopefully post more tomorrow.

My desk

UNLV Acceptance Notification

It was Thursday afternoon. I was in the Broadcasting room at school and I had some free time. I remembered that I have not checked my UNLV Admission Application Status in the last few days because I was either not able to get to a computer by 8pm or I was asleep and didn’t wake up till after.

The magic 8pm is the time when they disable their Online Application/Registration website. By this point in time, I the only reason I would check the website is so that I could physically see it say, “Denied”. I know I could probably be admitted to UNLV after getting denied by SAT/ACT scored, Letters of Recommendations, or just by me knowing people who work for the school. Though as I said before, it probably wasn’t an option since I knew I was just going to goto CSN to do my core classes then transfer to another college. Its the economical way to do it and I have been told by many different people, even the media, that going to a Junior College to get your core credits and then transfer to a traditional 4 year university would be the best thing to do. That was my plan, initially, I guess. But after I took a campus tour of UNLV. I fell in love with the Campus. I love the feel of walking through a place like that. It just felt right. I have yet to visit CSN. Though I have gone there a few times but that was years ago and I vaguely remember what the Henderson Campus of CSN even looks like.

But back to the story….
I logon to the website and check my Admission Status. I immediately screamed “WHAT!!!!” Everyone kind of looked at me and asked what I was screaming about. I replied to them that I got accepted to UNLV and explained to them how I didn’t think I would get in because my GPA was not high enough and I have not taken my SAT/ACT’s yet. The other students in the classroom just told me not to even question why I got accepted but to just accept the fact that I did.

For most kids, getting accepted to UNLV is nothing. Especially for kids who come from my High School. The school to which my Government teacher said, “If this were like other countries where you are split up between the smart and not so smart at an early age. Most of you would not even be here. This is one of the best High Schools in the state and the country. You should feel really lucky.” I don’t know if many kids from the Clark Country School District even get denied admission from UNLV. But my guess is there has to be come.

Wow, I don’t even know where I am going which this blog entry. I am I just lucky? or am I am in the pool with everyone else.

I have not written in a few days. Mostly because I told myself that I need to spend my time doing other stuff. Even though I really didn’t, thats nothing new though. I feel very nostalgic right now. But nostalgic from my life I guess. I watched a little bit of Nip/Tuck tonight. It reminded me of when I used to always watch it. I really miss watching that show. I need to set aside time for me to actually do stuff and have a life. Like read and watch TV.

High School is almost over and I seriously can’t wait for it to be. I want to get on with my life even know I will probably miss what I have now later on in life but I feel so limited with what I could do. I set my goals so high but never achieve them. I want to achieve those high goals and actually do something with my life. Who knows if I will be able to do so right out of high school. I have seen it happen to some and for others it takes a long time to get there.

I have had a lots of things on my mind for a while now. For instance Graduation, Money, Jobs, College, and A Car, just to name a few. I get reminded everyday about how my parents want to see my “walk” on graduation. Though I need to buy my freakin Cap & Gown first.

Within the past few weeks, I have grown a lot as a person. Am I an adult yet? No, I am not even close though by law I am legally an Adult. I don’t see myself as being an adult yet. I wonder how life works after High School. Will I just start acting the way I should and make the right decisions?

Today while taking a shower, I came to the conclusion that College is the building block of most successful lives. I guess you could say building years for most successful lives though. But no matter what, it takes hard work to become successful. Though sometimes I can’t tell hard work and not trying hard apart.

For instance, I feel as if I try hard in some areas in my life but I am really not. But in others I am not trying hard enough and I feel as if I am. I am just starting to figure things out in life that I wish I would have figured out sooner. Yeah, it was just High School that I messed up but it is what matters to me right now. I know that I could fix most if not all that I have done in the future with hard work at something called determination that I clearly don’t have. Even though that thought is stuck in the back of my head. I feel as if I am stuck here living in my mistakes and I have no way out for the time being.

I try to just let my mistakes pass so I could do what I need to do now, but it seems that they are holding me back, retarding my ability to reach my full potential. I have a feeling that I have not even reached anywhere near that though.

I have always been the type of person to worry about my future more then what is going in present time. Thus making it hard for me to focus about what I need to do to get to where I want to go. I guess ever since seeing my brother make even bigger mistakes then I have made so far in my high school career. They kept on saying don’t be like your bother. Knowing what position in life that he is in right now, I found myself always thinking about what I want to do in life and what I want to be and where. But not HOW I am going to get there.

I know that in three short months, I will be hopefully graduating from High School. My second step to adulthood. From there I guess I am go start working full time then start attending college in the Fall. I get asked all the time if I could cut it in college because I am barely able to in just High School. What am I supposed to say to that? No, I cannot cut it in College, I just want to go there so I can waste my money just for some college counselor to tell me to go get a job working at McDonalds. 

I hate the negativity that I get from my family so much sometimes. Even though I do get a lot of encouragement now, I equally receive the negative from them. I know they are not trying to hurt me or be mean. They just want what’s best for me and trust me, I do too!

I have a few colleges in mind that I would like to goto. From the beginning I told myself I wanted to goto University of Nevada, Las Vegas [UNLV]. Then I started to venture off to other schools like, University of Nevada, Reno, Northwestern in Illinois, Chapman or USC in California, and Neumont University in Utah. Then reality hit me and I realized that I would never even get accepted to any of these schools. So, I am already enrolled in a Junior College here in town called College of Southern Nevada [CSN], formally known as CCSN [Community College of Southern Nevada].

But then last Friday, I took a private Campus tour of UNLV with my Ladyfriend, Her Mom, and our Friend. I fell in love with the campus and didn’t want to leave. I knew that this is what I wanted right after High School. I know I could fight my way and probably get into UNLV. But with these hard economic time. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just goto CSN and get my Core Classes over with then Transfer to a different college like UNLV? I know that if I goto CSN, I could start taking more than just my core classes during my first two years of College. But is it what I really want?

I want the whole College Campus life. I mean I guess CSN has that too. I guess I just need to go visit the campus and see what they have to offer. I just like feeling you get when you are at UNLV.   Well, I would love to further this entry but I have to finish my homework. I have a long few months ahead of me. :]

 

I sometimes wonder if I had this Logizomechanophobia. My life would be NOTHING like it is today. I wouldn’t even be writing this blog entry.

Logizomechanophobia is (according to phobia-fear-release.com): 

 

Symptoms of Logizomechanophobia – Fear of computers:
breathlessness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.

You are not the only one to suffer from this phobia. Most sufferers are surprised to learn that they are far from alone in this surprisingly common, although often unspoken, phobia.

Logizomechanophobia is an intense fear of something that poses no actual danger. While adults with Logizomechanophobia realize that these fears are irrational, they often find that facing, or even thinking about facing, the feared situation brings on a panic attack or severe anxiety.

 

I am not going to joke about this phobia because to some it’s actually serious. But on the other hand, for me. It’s a funny thought to ponder about.

 

computer-monster

Tonight, my mom came in my room asking me how much money I needed for school tomorrow.

Mom: How much money do you need for school tomorrow?
Me: Five bucks should be fine.
Mom: What about the last payment for your choir trip?
Me: Why should the one not going be the only one to ever get their trip money in on time?
Mom: True. But do you still have hope?
Me: What hope? I sent my teacher a 1+ page e-mail explaining to her what was going on and all she replied back was 4 words, “Sorry, I will not reconsider.”
Mom: Thats okay, this is obviously a sign from God showing that something might have happened to you if you went on the trip.

 

I don’t even know what to do. I have no hope, whatsoever, with anything anymore. The choir competition trip had to be my breaking point. It makes me wonder why I am even still in regular school. I could just be in Adult Education and get school done with a few months earlier and then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit anymore. I love how it had to be one of my other teachers, on the phone with me, to make me change my mind about leaving my current high school. I just don’t want to have to be sitting in choir, every single day for the next few months, knowing that everything I am doing right now, I won’t be able to preform. Its pretty depressing. I have done so much for my choir teacher over the years. She even ruined on of my birthdays. I know I have put myself in this situation. But I wish that my grades weren’t the only factor. 

Hopeless

I miss being “Free”. I miss the feeling of being able to go where I please and do what I want to do. Nothing crazy though. I miss the summer. I miss working, making money. Driving around town, having fun. I seem to not have much fun anymore. It seems as if all I do is goto school and come home. I do have good times on the weekend. But I miss that feeling. Looking back at my old Twitpics from the summer and the beginning of the school year. I felt so free back then. Now I can’t even come home to have the house to myself for more then 20 minutes. My room just doesn’t give me that feeling anymore. I am a freakin adult now. I want to go out into the world. I feel as if I have gone back in time, but sadly not the way I want to. I messed up a lot the past few years and I want to go back and fix all of that.

 

Driving to work

 

-to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of.


It seems as if my life keeps on being more and more of a “disappointment” everyday. In certain ways that you wouldn’t think me out of all people would endure.

When it comes to time management, I have basically become the worst possible role model for it. I seem to be better at figure out how others should improve their lives and I can’t even do it for my own. I know what I where I want to go and what I will need to do to get there. But I can never seem to get it right. I have tried for years and years. I got the hang of it once in 10th grade, but soon after lost that self motivation that I had. Is it that I am spending too much time doing the wrongs things. Like sitting at my computer and looking up nonsense or staying countless after hours at school to better my Broadcast Journalism class. Its gotten to the point that now, the year of high school in which I should be having fun and getting ready for life, I am getting privileges taken away. Some that are academic and others not. I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know how to get out. Why have I chosen this route so many times, why am I doing this to myself?

I always have the right mind set, though I am always tired. Would fixing my sleeping patterns help me achieve success? Though as much as I have tired to fix them. A week later they are back to normal. Due to something like too much homework one night, if I even did it or not. Homework is what I should be doing right now but I had to stop and write this. I need to get it out of my system. Its like I need closure for my lack of determination.

I don’t understand why I seek life after High School. Will I just magically start going things right with school? And this time it would be college? I see it as my gateway to life. I am legally an adult now but I don’t fee like one. I have not matured into an adult who can handle whatever comes at it. I have so many worries that it floods my mind at times to where I can’t focus on anything. Most other times I just can’t focus on anything in general. Its as if I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Which according to Ask.com is 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder — also referred to ADD or ADHD — is a biological, brain based condition that is characterized by poor attention and distractibility and/or hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. It is one of the most common mental disorders that develop in children. Symptoms can continue into adolescence and adulthood. If left untreated, ADHD can lead to poor school/work performance, poor social relationships and a general feeling of low self esteem.

I know that I have great skills in certain aspects of “education” and other things that will aid me in life. But fact of the matter is, I don’t usually apply those skills school. I am an amazing creative writer. Now that I think of it, I am a good writer all together. If my mind is in the right place, I can write a mean paper, not always perfect. But I have my sister who helps me along the way with that part. I am pretty good at math, you give me a math problem and as long as I have learned how to do it, I could probably get it right. If I put the effort into it, like I did one summer and got a 98% in my Geometry class, I could do anything it seems like. If only I actually did my work. Other then those two “main” skills that I have learned in my years of being educated. I do know alot about computers.

Wow, its pretty sad that I just lost my “train of though” and interest into writing this blog entry. I hope writing blogs will a re-occurring thing since I usually write them to take things off my mind but never publish them.

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